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Thursday, December 24, 2015

U R mirror yourself

REMINDER: this entry might hurt you little. 

Along ago, I made a blog so that I had a diary that I can express myself while people doesn't know how I felt. Somehow it always felt pain inside even I already wrote it down. Typing it around all things so that I always remember all the pain. Over and over, I kept telling myself, ignore people, they doesn't know how you felt at ALL. They don't know how you handle your own pain. The sadness doesn't want to go away from me. Along all these years, I make promise to myself, be happy so that you can forget all the pain. 

How? How? How? How? 

Keep asking to my own shadow. Can I be happy? Can I ignore people around me as all people do to me? Can I be as myself? Who am I actually? *smirk face*

I do have personality problems. Yes. I kept fighting with my inner side. That inner side, more happier, more herself than the outside. How? The question came again. Bothering me till I always take the shortcut forget all these pain, and just follow the flow. :')

The end of the year, that feeling always the same. Back to early year, what I have done these year? Actually? What actually I'm living for? 

Let me tell you, living in someone shadow is always pain. It's me. Behind others, I try to live. That's how I survived. People might doesn't know what I felt inside. People only know, I have a small heart,  a pair of eyes that always shed tears whenever I feel lonely. 

I don't know to make a friend. A friend that I believed always be with you no matter problem you had. How much burden on your shoulder. That's in my dream somehow it not same in reality. Reality I got ton of friends, that I always sacrifice everything I had. No matter what they asked. As long I had everything they what. :')

I have a soft heart. my soft one and it might broken. Or perhaps already broken. My family, my friends all people I know, in reality, might say this to me:

" Ya la kawu, bait gilak."
"Mudah orang pijak palak kawu eh.. Jangan dibodoh oleh orang." 
"Akak ni, cuba la serius sikit." 
"Kamu jangan la suka sangat main, cuba la serius.." 

Or perhaps they could see me as someone that doesn't have destination of life. All my favorite been critic, All I have done been hopeless. Tell me how, or perhaps they already tell me how, and I just don't want to hear it. I wish is my favorite quotes. Things didn't happen for no reason. They always do, dear. 

I am someone, who didn't speak to much, because I thought someone might get bored whenever I talked. I am someone who care much, because I can't let people get ignore just how I get ignored. I am someone who do everything people ask as long they happy with it. Dumb? Stupid? Naive? or just Crazy enough? 

Once, my ambition to be a policeman. So that I can help people. That ambition already gone long ago, since my height gone with my feeling. hehe Once again, I dream to be a psychologist. So I can listen people pain, and cure them. So they can be happy more than I do. But, seem like the dream can't go far because of certain problem. Ah~ of course. The things that matter for now. :)

What your next year wish? 2016 wish when I already old enough to be an adult. 
Where do want to go? 
How do you think you can achieve your dream? 
Do I dream too much? 
Should I just let future set me how I am to be? 


Last semester, I got a project for subjek Hadith. Find a hadith from Bukhari & Muslim collection. And I ended found this hadith:

 "Janganlah salah seorang dari kalian sekali-kali mengharapkan kematian disebabkan kerana bahaya yang menimpanya. Apabila memang harus mengharapkan kematian, maka hendaklah dia berdoa: 

"Ya Allah, hidupkanlah aku selama hidup in lebih baik bagiku, dan matikanlah aku apa kematian itu lebih baik untukku."

Hadith Bukhari & Muslim

What the meaning behind these hadith? Encourage me to be strong because no matter what happen, there a lot of dead people want to be alive again so that their can be a good slave to Allah. So, take note dear, Allah never leave you behind, as long you never left Allah.  

so, make a change. for dearest 2016. along with your name, you should proud with it. Don't ashamed with something you didn't commit, because people always see what they want to see.


  1. Aww dear. I feel you. Because I've been there. Ignore by people when you are trying hard to please people just to keep them happy. but at the same time you are torning apart. I also have the same dream as you, I want to be a policewoman or psychologist, because I want to help people and hear their pain. Help them with all I can. Just that my mom doesn't allow me to become a psychologist, she afraid that I might jadi gila at the end. XD

    1. lulz~ thnx dear for read this.. and read your comment more than enough. :D


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